Some weeks back‚ my friend sent an article to me “I have never been in a relationship and I am 26” reading through the article gave me a lot of insights and yet a ‘take away’ thought and it was “how do you know when you are ready for a relationship”ꓸ This article had said we should want to be in a relationship for the right reasons‚, not reasons because all your friends are and you also see the need to be in one; or because everyone is screaming “God When” you think you should tooꓸ So I started asking myself how do I know when I’m ready rather than being pressured? So I took this “thought” to friends and this is what they had to say‚ I thought to share with you as wellꓸ Don’t say I didn’t do anything for you o
In my travails with Love, I have come to understand one absolute truth- You can NEVER be ready for a relationship. Love and relationships aren’t rocket science in which you have to study and do internships in. Love/relationship happens to you and you can never be ready for it. I have always been an emotional wreck. I noticed this back in secondary school. I had this picture of what a relationship was supposed to be like- The perfect Gentleman Syndrome. I also knew Love was never enough reason to get into a relationship. I believed a guy in a relationship should be like a back-up father to his partner. Providing and assisting where necessary, sealing the loopholes, making sure she lacks NOTHING. A guardian, support system and an ATM. I was so stuck up with this notion that I did not get into a relationship until I was 23 (last year). It was so bad that being in a relationship did not cross my mind all through secondary school. When I got into Uni, I was always the one advising friends to shoot their shots; the relationship coach but never adhering to my own advice.
I remember 2 ladies asked me out back in Uni and I had to politely reject their offers because I thought I was not capable of getting into a relationship at that point in time. I mean, I was feeding off my Dad’s table through monthly stipends‚ I just was not there or so I thought. I carried that notion all the way through service year to when I started working till when I met my ex. Don’t get me wrong, I was not socially awkward or scared of ladies. I infact had a handful of flings and I was quite sociable. I even won an award for being sociable. When I met my ex, I had absolutely no idea she was going to be my first. I thought it was going to be business as usual; fling and go home but homegirl had other plans. She was a wildfire, a go-getter. Taking that step made me realize that all the silly notion of the “Ideal relationship” was fugazi. I did not need to fill in her Dad’s shoes because she was already well taken care of. Everything seemed perfect as it should be for every new relationship but like they say “Everything that has a beginning equally has an ending”. The relationship ended before it even started BUT it was the best decision I took last year and possibly the highlight of my 2018.
So if you ask me, I would tell you- You never know if you are ready till you try.
You are not ready for a relationship.
Even my polygamous grandfather is not ready. And you can never be ready, so just don’t even think about it. It’s a scam. I repeat, it is a scam! Now, this is the point where I say “that was on a lighter note”. But no, it was not on a lighter note, and I will explain. So, in a world where people’s values are imposed and projected on one another, we have to be very thoughtful of things we get ourselves into. Values like “commitment”, like “faithfulness”, like “exclusivity” and “sweetness”; you find out that as you want to enter a relationship, the other person has “expectations” of these values. And then these expectations are projected on you, and then – keep following – you have to accept them as “being a good person”.
The big question is “why?!”
Why do you have to live up to someone else’s expectations?
Why do you have to be “committed” to someone?
Why do you have to “stay faithful” to someone?
What’s in it for you? Really? Status? Clout? Sex? (Rolls eyes) Oh. Companionship? Haha.
Well, they say it’s “Love”. Like y’all can’t love and enjoy each other without a relationship. Who are we kidding? You don’t need a relationship for anything. So you can as well forget about being ready. It’s like eating a good snack. You don’t need it but everybody does it and it feels nice for a while. And fortunately, no one needs to put in a lot of preparation for snacking. So, snack away my friend, enter the needless relationship and love your partner like there’s no tomorrow. What’s the worst that could happen?
The sad truth is some people are going to spend all their years trying to get ready
In my opinion, nobody is ever ready for a relationship (yeah, I said that) except you are in relationship with yourself, you never really know what to expect.
However, I’ll say you can go into a meaningful relationship when you are 18 years and above and can exercise a high level of restraint or control over YOURSELF. Remember, you can’t control other people’s actions but your reaction. The question is at what age can you exercise restraint? It is all about controlling yourself, being in control. The stage that you can do and stop yourself from doing. What makes a man isn’t what he does but what he doesn’t do. It’s not about what you can’t do but what you won’t do and will stop yourself from doing. Right from the time, we go into the things that are dictated for us e.g. schooling but relationships aren’t. It is all about your own control, rules, restrain. Knowing your values and being able to DO them. How would you react when the person you’re in love with hurts you, says something that doesn’t make sense, doesn’t regard your opinions when a girl hits and abuses you what do you do. Truth is most single people are just enjoying the moment and waiting for someone to capture their hearts; you can be available but not ready. You can love someone but haven’t built a character to be committed and all that mushy stuff. Being in a relationship is literally having someone else in your space and someone that you will love almost as much as yourself.
Secondly, if you doubt whether or not you are ready; my gee‚ you are not ready. It’s not circumstantial, e.g. you have a baby mama, urge for sex. Circumstances can force you but don’t mean you are ready. Readiness is a need and not want in this case. It is a state of the mind. The mind feels like it can accommodate, tolerate, and manage. You are okay with having flings and many sideys, naa, you’re not ready. Why does this all sound like Emotional Intelligence to me? Emotional and social intelligence is needed. You will be sure you can LOVE intelligently and not blindly (Love is patient, kind).
You can be ready but not have enough money to have a good time but that doesn’t make you unready or unfit. Let’s stop this millennial talk of “I don’t have money, what am I looking for in a relationship”. You need money for Marriage, YES but it’s not a criterion to date. Our breakthroughs come at different times and if you are waiting for what you call “rich”, I wish you all the best. Also, the best way to prepare for anything is to do it, a relationship is by doing it (throw me stones; I’ll build a marble house). I will also like to add that if you don’t see it as a priority, no need because it will show especially if the other party priorities it. Time is actually the main reason people are “unready”. Many people get into relationships without knowing what they are really getting into. This is why trial and error is even a bad idea at first, waste of time.
Having said all these things, admit that you are not perfect. This one is loud. If the 2 of you are open to learning the relationship ropes, you go dey alright. At this stage, I’m tired. I hail relationship counselors. Hope you enjoyed this. Cheers.
Who else learned and enjoyed as much as I did?
I would really love to read your thoughts on this as well
I guess we would never tell when exactly we are ready until then; “God When” gang take a chilled drink and relax; that guy/girl’s hoeing phase would soon end LOL