I had gone halfway through this article some few days back after dealing with my Imposter Syndrome. But somehow it got to me again, and I just didn’t see the point of sharing this. Or maybe it was all the tension and esteem pressure I was feeling. The year is coming to an end in a couple of hours (Oh well depending on when you’re reading this) and everyone is putting out their achievements and accomplishments this year and I have truly been inspired by some of the different posts I have seen. However, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel threatened by some of the things I read; heck I stopped writing this post!
The idea of doing a year rundown really didn’t feel “fulfilling” to me. Questions like “what big thing did you exactly achieve this year, was the year really that spectacular?”
2019 was pretty much a hot mess if I tried weighing the scale. I cried quite a lot for someone that thinks she’s an “emotional gangster” (*scoffs who am I kidding). The reality of “adult- city” hit me really hard. This year came off as a year of “figuring it out” and for the longest time it didn’t feel like I was in that spirit and just a simple question of “what do you think you want to do” had me drenched in tears. I think I was scared, I know I was scared; I was surrounded by a community of people that to a certain degree had a plan and how to execute.
Lost an important person in the family, for the first time in my life I was at police stations (on two occasions, by the way, one of which was on my birthday, imagine! oh no, I wasn’t imprisoned)
2019 really did go south.
Crazy thing, however, all the L’s I had this year was a disguised blessing I remember going for two jobs interview process and to be honest, I didn’t even think I was qualified for any of the two I was moving in the spirit of “what’s the worst that could happen?” or maybe my imposter syndrome was making heads way as usual. I would go for these interviews/assessment take videos with the thought that “this is kuku the only time I would be here, let me at least have a video” and I would get a mail for a second stage, get there in my wildest dreams and still take a “this is probably my last time here” video and then I get the third mail in shock, how?? of course, the video routine continues. I didn’t end up getting the jobs but that process helped me a lot in the “figuring it out” department; Life was maybe cutting me some slack from all the tears I guess. Oh and my mother bought me Shawarma when I got the third mail
I met amazing people, all of which I’m grateful is in my circle now, a lot of ugly genuine laughter, first-time experiences.
A job! If I was told I would work in RADP (Pulse Nigeria) I would probably ask if you were going tiger nuts. I started off the job in the most lackadaisical way but as now grown to be “my space” the feeling I was sacred I could probably never get.
You know what I learned this year, it is very easy to preach the narrative of “life is not a race, you would get there in your time”. Everyone wants to believe that, I want to believe that, I mean that’s the truth but these pressures are always going to be there if we are being honest, you’re like me right now, seeing all those achievements everywhere and you are just kind of in the sunken place. However, I think we should cut ourselves some slack. This year didn’t just breeze through; you won something, trace back memories. And this is a solution I read online somewhere; “document your small wins” when we feel like we have achieved something, anything put it down somewhere, at the end of the year or whenever even with the existence of the pressure/tension, it could be a very useful tool to reflect on.
Also, this year come next year, I desist from using the phrase “God When” lmao. The overthinking “God When” has done to me is enough. Putting out here, just incase I’m slipping off, call me out!!
I wish you all a rich prosperous 2020! This year is our year and we would continue to say this every coming year because WHY NOT!
From Me, Myself and I, I love you